"it's not my fault"

I have, in my own way, been trying to stop and really think about why I make some of the choices that I do. Some of the reasons behind the feelings have been pretty obvious especially when I took the time to analyze them. You know, procrastination and avoiding confrontation at any cost, because my coping skill is avoidance, rebelling against diabetes because I am angry that I have it, that sort of thing.

One that took me by surprise is the realization that I hate it when my blood sugar is ‘good’ but I don’t feel good. If my blood sugar is not in range then I have my explanation of not feeling well right there. I have found that I really don’t like not feeling 100% especially when I don’t have a reasonable explanation for it. Could this be why I often let my blood sugars wander higher or lower than I should? I also don’t like it when I have say a pain in my hand but no visible sign; I want to be able to see concrete evidence of what is the matter with me, not just symptoms.

Diabetes really doesn’t work that way. It is more a behind the scenes kind of disease, wreaking havoc without the apparent gore. At least if my readings are off I can pinpoint what is causing me to feel bad. Much, much, more than I should, I use the disease as an excuse. Some of my rationale is that I put up with so much from diabetes, that I am entitled to get something back where I can. I’m not saying that I use the disease all the time, to get out of doing anything unpleasant, just that I fall back on the excuse more than I should. I liked being low during school as a kid because then I got to go in the coatroom and eat lifesavers, and act silly.

I marvel at the bloggers out there who say they never use the ‘betes as an excuse and refuse the let it limit what they achieve. Me, run a marathon or have a very high stress, high profile job, yeah right, I just don’t see it. My self-confidence has not reached that level.

Yesterday, my blood sugar was 142, but I felt like crap. Near perfect reading, not too close to feeling low for me. I felt dizzy, run-down and just not right. Looking back over my numbers, I realized that they had been pretty darn good for the day, the past few days even. I hated it. My blood sugar was good, so I was supposed to feel great, dammit!

Where I get these ideas I do not know. Reasonably I recognize that I am ordinary person who happens to have diabetes and that this does not mean that I don’t experience the regular everyday ailments that we all do. Illogically, though I want to be able to explain and yes blame all those aches, pains and flaws on the ‘betes.

Diabetes is my nemesis, so it makes sense that everything is its fault, right?

1 comment:

Scott K. Johnson said...


But, we can and do also fall victim to those "regular everyday ailments" that you mentioned.

Sometimes I feel really run down and tired - and I think "damn this diabetes! It's running me ragged". But then it dawns on me that I've been up late every night for the last 4 or 5 nights straight! Who wouldn't feel run down and tired after not getting proper sleep for that long?!?

But - I can very much identify with your post though - it's (almost too) easy to put your finger on what's wrong when your numbers are out of range.

I too am an avoider - and I would too rather have wacky BG's to explain the way I feel, than to be taking a close and realistic look at my eating habits (for example).

Great post - very thought provoking.