12/18/2007

Tainted

Driving to work, my thoughts drift to the future and all the amazing things yet to come for my husband and I, and a silly grin makes it way to my face. I think of LT’s first Christmas at home, holidays with all the cousins, and eventually being grandparents. For miles, I am lost in my own daydream.

That is until a nagging, cramping sort of feeling in stomach jars me back to reality. This cramping, almost painful feeling in my stomach has seemed accompany high blood sugars recently. Just like that my mood plummets and my worry of the damage done my body from diabetes takes over. Guilt is next, since it’s all up to me and let’s face it, I am not a model diabetic.

I hate this disease and the way it taints things with its mere presence. I hate that my biggest worry about being a parent (that is after the huge obstacle of actually getting him home) is my diabetes getting in the way. Will I be able to have good enough control to keep up with my baby and feel well enough to enjoy the priceless moments? More daunting still is the heavy weight of the complications that in my mind are inevitable.

A glance at his adorable face and I pull out my kit to test. I despise testing, those often angry numbers glaring back at me from the screen, but for him I’ll do anything. I will do my best to not let this chapter of my life be tainted by the big bullying D.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

If LT's angel face is what provides the motivation, more power to him - and to you! Keep on keepin' on, sister. You know that there are lots of poeple out there to lean on and that you'll make it through. Allow your self to be less than perfect. Make the changes graudally and they will stick.

Scott K. Johnson said...

I think the guilt of past decisions is one of the hardest things to deal with. It stinks.

All we can do is try to make better decisions moving forward. As Anon says, make the changes gradually and they'll stick.

I'm fighting the same fight too - and it's not easy, by any means.

Baby steps.

Take care!

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Hi Melissa,

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jj said...

Yup, take those baby steps and remember your sweet inspiration; you're going to be fine, I can tell by your great attitude.

The Patients Voice said...

Hi

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Tony said...

Tainted love oh oh oh oh...:-)

**Sweetblood** said...

i'm Sweetblood too o_O

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Mitchell said...

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