Dealing with it.

Yes, I had a chronic illness but did I really have to feel so crappy, so often and beat myself up over it?
I made an appt. with my ‘shrink’ (now located literally across the street) to take a stab at figuring why I was letting this happen.

One visit consisted mostly of me crying and telling her how much I hated diabetes. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want to deal with it. It was all my fault. I didn’t want to feel like crap. She let me get it all out, and then gently proposed the idea that I did in fact have a choice in all this. Decide you are not going to take care of yourself, and let what happens, happen and stop beating yourself up over it. Or do something. This blaming myself was not helping at all.

Over the next few weeks she reminded me of things I already knew, yet needed to hear. Diabetes was not going anywhere so deal with it. That it’s okay to be angry but don’t take it out on myself. Life is all about choices. I realized I was not okay with letting my health be left completely up to fate. Slowly my desire to feel good, see better numbers and not feel guilty won out over the anger and my attitude shifted. I also can to realize that this whole process of getting fed up with diabetes, getting angry, then fighting back, is an ongoing one. It will happen again. What changes is my ability to deal with it not hurt myself as much the next time I fall. Fall, I will, I’m sure of it. This is a disease that pushes its way into every nook & cranny of my life and sometimes the good care & control is just too much on top of life happening all around me and that’s okay, I’m getting better & better at picking myself up.

I can honestly say that I am doing better. Better but not perfect or great. I don’t think diabetes care will ever be easy or second nature to me but I think it can be something I can make work for me.


Anonymous said...

Great post, Lissie. I for one am both pained and stand in awe of your constant struggle. I wish I could take my magic wand and make it disappear, but I can't, so you'll have to be content with my love and support. I do think you're making great progress and it makes me proud.

George said...

I am glad you are doing better. I hate the daily struggle but I know it is worth it when you consider the other choice!

hang in there we are all here for you!

Elizabeth said...

I know how you feel. I'm glad to hear that you're starting to feel better. As we all know... it is a process.



MileMasterSarah said...

Hang in there1 Your psychologist is right, and so are you, it is all about choices.

Scott K. Johnson said...

I feel you Melissa!

I swing back and forth from the pendulum of perfectionism to abandonment. From feeling overwhelmed to feeling guilty about letting go.

You are on the right path with this - and good for you for taking initiative and seeking out some therapy.

It's a tough fight we are in, but we don't have to roll over and let diabetes stomp the crap out of us.